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Top 10: Ways To Take Advantage Of Global Warming

Hey kids, apparently global warming is for real. Hurricanes are coming, tornadoes are gonna be a real bitch, and we could have another ice age! This will be a significant threat, but at the same time there are going to be some really awesome ways to take advantage of the total destruction of our planet! So without further ado, I bring to you the:

Top 10 ways to take advantage of Global Warming!


1. Grow Marijuana:
Temperatures are going to increase, and with all the extra CO² in the atmosphere from our coal burning power plants and gasoline guzzling cars, plants are going to thrive! I suggest that you save all your seeds and start planting the bitches. Do it in your backyard, do it by the bushes, do it wherever the fuck you want, just plant those damn seeds and let em’ grow! Marijuana laws are getting more and more liberal in this country and there is some serious money to be made!

2. Bet on Football teams north of Missouri:
Global warming is going to have a serious impact on the sports world and if you go to Vegas there is an ass load of cash to be had! Teams that play outside and are in the far north including the Green Bay Packers, Chicago Bears, New England Patriots, New York Giants, New York Jets, Cincinnati Bengals, Baltimore Ravens, and Seattle Seahawks are going to kick some serious ass in the future! These teams are going to have heart and guts; they’re going to play in some serious shit and be really tough. Bet on these 8 teams and you’re sure to make some mad money!

3. Buy property in Arizona and New Mexico:
I’m sure you’re questioning this one, but hear us out on this. According to Al Gore, (you know the one who got more votes than that jackass that fucks everything up), the oceans are going to rise about 15 feet in the next 50 years. I suggest that you buy a large amount of property in Arizona and or New Mexico, because by the time the oceans rise this will be prime beach front property! You can sell that land and be set for the rest of your life!

4. Gather Endangered Species and freeze them:
We’ve all seen the movies and the talk shows; people like Ted Williams have been frozen in the hopes that someday science will find a way to bring them back to life. I suggest that you take advantage of this and gather up as many endangered species as you can, and freeze them in the hopes of preserving them for future generations. Imagine how much money you could make if you owned the only zoo that had Polar Bears, Penguins, Koalas, and lemurs. Cash! Cash! Cash!

5. Invest in Polaris and Artic Cat:
Yeah I know it’s called Global Warming, and in the short run it’s going to be exactly that. It’s gonna be hot as fuck... But eventually the polar ice caps are going to melt and the oceans are going to cool off. Global warming, as ironic as it may sound, will eventually bring an ice age. I suggest that you invest as much as you can in Polaris and Artic Cat, which are the leading manufacturers of snowmobiles. Snowmobiles are going to be the leading form of transportation in the future and you will make some serious dough!

6. Buy a couple of those wind generators:
It’s becoming more and more evident that the weather is increasingly becoming more and more unpredictable. Take advantage of this phenomenon and invest in wind energy. Storms are getting stronger and stronger and some serious energy is going to be generated as a result of this. I recommend that you buy some land in the middle of nowhere and put up a few of these wind generators. Eventually a big ass storm will make its presence felt and make you some straight cash!

7. Start buying a shit load of boats:
It’s sad, but the poorest people are going to suffer the most as a result of this Global Warming bullshit. Strangely enough, the poorest people tend to live closest to the water. Why do you think all of the major civilizations have sprouted near rivers and oceans? It’s all about the water, and it always has been! Our bodies are made up of 70% water… coincidence? I recommend that you buy boats, an ASS LOAD of boats, and sell them to the poor people. They might not have money, but they will love you and worship you for your help.

8. Make money from failed insurance companies:
I’m not sure how exactly to go about this, but basically what’s going to happen soon is all of these insurance companies that charge you an assload for whatever the fuck they’re trying to protect you from are about to get fucked! Catastrophic hurricanes, tornadoes, and floods are going to make these companies go bankrupt, and I believe that there must be some way to take advantage of this situation. So be sure to take out a huge insurance policy on everything you own within the next 50 years. Then rape the insurance companies for money when everything gets ruined.

9. Fuck Someone:
This one is pretty easy. We all know people that are extremely hot and extremely dumb at the same time. I suggest that you tell this special someone that the world is about to end and the only way to keep the human race going is if you fornicate. This will ensure a great evening for you and said person.


10. Start a Riot:
The world is about to end you sons of bitches! Go nuts and cause a huge riot in your area. Do whatever you can to create havoc, induce crazieness and just fuck shit up! If you’re gonna go down, go down hard and take everything you can get your hands on with you! Don’t fuck around, if it’s gonna be the end you better go all out, balls to the wall, straight up extreme, do that shit, and do it like you mean it!