Top 10: Ways To Die Like a Badass

1. Getting Sucked into a Jet Engine:
Here’s a video of this guy that gets sucked into a jet engine and actually survives! I don’t know how he lived, makes no sense. Geese die this way all the time; it’s a pretty badass way to go.

2. Piranhas:
They’re one of the most ferocious fresh water fish in the world. If you fall in the river and can’t swim, you’re dinner. This is an insane way to die because it’s a combination of drowning and getting eaten alive by a bunch of fish with razor sharp teeth.

3. During Sex:
Yeah I know, it’s a little cliché but this is a pretty crazy way to die. Can you imagine being the other person??? What are you supposed to do if you’re the other person? Nobody likes blue balls; do you finish up at risk of being called a necrophiliac?

4. Fire Ants:
Mitch Hedberg said he didn’t like eating rice because there’s “just too many of them.” Anytime you have to eat 1,000 of something it’s not worth it. Well picture yourself walking in the jungle minding your own business and then suddenly falling into a fire ant nest. Anytime you get bitten, then simultaneously eaten by 1,000 of something it’s pretty extreme!

5. Being in a sinking submarine crushed by the water pressure:
This is pretty badass because you know you’re going to die and there’s nothing you can do about it. Water is leaking in, people are panicking, things are getting pretty extreme. Everyone gets really quiet; the only thing you can hear is the bending and breaking steel of the outer hull. It’s just a big waiting game, and nobody in the sub is going to win.

6. While Giving a Speech:
This one is great because of the shock factor. Thousands of people could be witnesses of your death. Personally I’ve never seen anyone die, I guess I saw Dale Earnhardts crash on TV but didn’t know he died until like an hour later. If you’re giving a speech and you’re the one person that a few thousand people saw die in person, that makes you a badass!

7. Getting Stabbed in the Face by a Blue Marlin:
You’re in Florida, it’s sunny and 90º, and you just hooked a huge blue marlin on your fishing trip. You fight the fish for an hour, it’s gigantic, you have it right next to the boat and you’re about to catch it. You’re gonna stuff the son of a bitch and put it above your fireplace, your life is pretty sweet. Bam!!! The fish launches out of the water with a ferocious leap and stabs you right in the dome! You die.

8. Falling to the Ground Floor on a Broken Elevator:
This one is awesome because in most cases there are going to be multiple people in the elevator. This is just like the submarine, a fucked up waiting game. Inevitably there is going to be that one annoying bitch screaming at the top of her lungs, try to slap her in the face before you hit the ground floor, this will ensure you a better spot in heaven.

9. Getting Locked in a Tanning Bed:
Maybe you’re queer and like to tan… whatever. Have you ever been sun burnt? Have you ever been sun burnt until you died? Imagine yourself trying to get a nice tan, and the second you want to get out, the shit’s locked! What the fuck is going on? You jiggle it… Nothing! You can smell yourself cooking… pretty badass!

10. Getting Hit by a Comet:
You’re just walking along minding your own damn business and you get space fucked! You look up and see a shooting star, you make a wish. Your wish gets closer and closer… Something’s wrong. Unless you wished not to get hit by the shooting star you just wished upon, you’re pretty much screwed.