Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy
"The Polk County Sheriff's Department located missing 9-year-old Ethan Davis in an abandoned home, rescued the child from his captors, and returned him to his loving parents, the still bound and gagged boy imagined Tuesday."
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McCain Gets Hammered At Local VFW
"I saw this old guy just kind of slumped over his drink, before I realized who it was."
Sperm Count Myths Debunked
Find out if your lowering your swimmer count my smoking the reefer, drinking mountain dew, etc...
15 Words That Sound Dirty (But Aren't)
Today is Dictionary day if you didn't know. To celebrate here are 15 words that sound dirty but are actually squeaky clean.
The Most Dangerous Drinks
Now that absinthe is legal in the U.S., how else can we get buligerantly drunk and still feel good about ourselves for drinking a drink that is banned in this country?
The 10 Commandments Of Facebook
Status: Rook is masturbating with a microwaved cantaloupe.
Onion: Image Of Darwin Seen In Wall Stain
A stream of devoted evolutionists continue to gather in a small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is an image of Charles Darwin, founder of the modern evolutionary movement.
Mixed Drinks for the Desperate and Resourceful
Need a late night drink and have no mixers? No worries this guide to 'Mixed Drinks for the Desperate and Resourceful' will help you out.
Onion: Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet
In a statement made to reporters earlier this afternoon, local idiot Brandon Mylenek, 26, announced that tonight, he plans to post an idiotic comment beneath a video on an Internet website.
Top 19: Tasteless Drinking Accessories of All Time
These useless drinking accessories are helping me forget that its only wednesday and I still have 2 full days of work ahead of me before I can drink myself into an obliviated like state.
99 Of The Most Degrading Sex Acts
Teabagging, donkey punch, cleveland steamer... these are old news. Make way for the bronco, the rusty trombone, and my personal favorite, the pearl necklace, as well as many others.
6 Retarded Gas Saving Schemes
With gas prices skyrocketing and 65 payments left on the Escalade, America is looking for ways to cut back. In these desperate times we'll do whatever is necessary, as long as it doesn't involve driving less.
The Reason Why Tila Tequila Is Famous
Do you ever wonder why certain people are famous? Especially when they are four-foot gremlin-faced whores? Well, here's the story...
The 100 Greatest Guitar Songs Of All Time
Its obvious that no one will ever agree 100% with a list like this, but someones gotta try right? Who better than Rolling Stone?
The Shittiest Date Ever
Read this story of a guy who had a date with a girl he met on Match.com and you will laugh.

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